We Might Be Hollow But We're Brave
by thejustjust
Summary: Carmilla had fucked up, she had OD on who knows what and ended up in a hospital. After being so careful for three years, making sure she didn't leave traces, basically living off the grid. One freaking OD changed that.
1. All Ups Come Crashing Down

The nurses were going through their routine of checking on patients and other duties that their jobs required of them. In this small city there was not that many overnight patients and it was appearing that things would be running smoothly tonight, everything was calm and quite. It was at this time that there came a noise, quiet slapping of heels, one of the few sounds that one could hear in the hallway. A hurrying figure turned the corner as they calmly looked for the right room, drops of rain still hanging on their raincoat as they go.

The moon had already risen when she had finally arrived at the hospital. She was quickly directed to ICU, and towards a portion of the hospital that was the least busy and perhaps the quietest. The moment that they had been contacted, her mother had pulled strings and practically thrown money at the hospital to make sure that the press didn't get news of this.

When she found the room, she paused outside the door and tried to make herself more presentable by fixing her hair and straightening her coat. She had her hand on the handle ready to push open the door, when a thought stop her. What if they didn't want her here?

She hadn't heard of or seen the person inside in three years. She didn't know how they would react, though it saddens her that at one time she could have confidently walked in and know exactly what the reaction would be. What if they had already disowned her, they hadn't parted in the best of terms.

Perhaps it would be better to just turn around and go back to Morocco but one look through the big window to see the resting girl inside made her change her mind.

The girl was very thin, so thin that one could start to see an outline of her skeleton. Her hair looked slick and unwashed, her cheeks were hallow and her face was gaunt, and her hospital gown hung limply and loosely against her weak frame. She looked sickly pale, and overall, she was a heartbreaking, poignant sight. This broken scrawny girl was nothing like the strong rebellious girl she remembers.

No it wouldn't be better to run, it would be easier yes, but not better. She didn't help or support the resting girl when she needed it the most, maybe it was time to try to mend things. And with a goal in mind she swung open the door and walked in determined to stay with the other girl until she woke up.

* * *

The first thing that she noticed was the smell. It didn't particularly bother her but it was a strong odor, something she didn't expect. The sharp smell of cleanness filled her nose when she took a deep breathe, the smell of rubbing alcohol or some type of disinfectant. It was comforting and fresh, both things that her recent places of living have been lacking. Not that she would ever tell anyone where she had been living.

The second thing that she noticed was that she wasn't wearing her clothes. While she wasn't complaining the gown type thing she was wearingwas sort of comfortable. There was a small nagging at the back of her mind that it was too cold to be summer day. But hey it beats the heat so she didn't question it much.

She also took note that she was in a bed. It had beenso long that she had slept in one that she didn't quite care that it wasn't the most comfortable bed.

She had never felt as tried as she did at that moment, she didn't want to open her eyes to see her surroundings, and she didn't want to figure out where the frilly hell was she. She didn't want to do much of anything expect maybe sleep some more. So she couldn't understand why anyone that could turn off that damn irritating beeping sound hasn't?

She just wanted to recede back into the dreamless dark for an interminable amount of time. Dreamless dark. The thing she is always striving for, she didn't know what she took this time but whatever is was it was good. She was going to have to find it again. She has to find it again.

She had almost drifted back to sleep when a very familiar voice began to speak.

"I know you are awake, Carmilla."

The sound was like a slap the face and brought her to full awareness. Oh Fuck Damnit, Carmilla thought. She had no choice but to respond to that voice. In that moment she realized there was nothing she could do to rectify her current situation. It hit her that she had to face the music that she had been running from for three years. There was no get out of jail free card, no point in faking it, no backing out.

But she could sure as hell try.

Carmilla lazily opened her eyes as she pulled a weak smirk and said "Mattie." Like she hadn't had slam the door shut yelling, like she hadn't had dump the blame on Mattie about something no one had control over, like she hadn't walked away.

To no one's surprised Mattie was going to having none of that bullshit, she narrowed her eyes to glare at Carmilla, "Don't. You. Mattie. Me."

Silence fell upon them as they took this moment to take in the others state.

Carmilla took note of how Mattie' s make up was a little ruined, how her hair was messy and up in a ponytail, how she was holding a cup of coffee like it was a lifeline. Mattie looked worn out, Carmilla figure that she had probably been waiting a long while for her to wake up.

Though even through Mattie's tiredness Carmilla could see the changes. The shy and easy going girl she had known couldn't be seen instead that aura had been replaced by waves of power and confidence telling her that Mattie had harden. Carmilla could see it in the way she held herself, the straight posture, how her head was raised, the steady unwavering glaze that seems to be analyzing her.

Yes Mattie had harden and how could she not. Carmilla had left, leaving Matska and Will in Mother's grasp. And if Carmilla knew Mother, and boy did she know her well, it was that Mother had most likely had tightened the leash on both of them. The only thing that told Camilla that the girl she used to know was still there was the soft light in Mattie's eyes that seem to be saying sorry.

It was that silent message the made Carmilla notice where she was, in a hospital. Carmilla widen her eyes as she took in her surroundings, well now the stupid beeping made sense.

She had fucked up, she had OD on who knows what and ended up in a hospital. After being so careful for three years, making sure she didn't leave traces, basically living off the grid. One freaking OD changed that.

They had found her when she wasn't ready to be found. Carmilla knew that she couldn't have hidden forever and took she defeat quietly. At least Mother sent someone she could tolerate to have a decent conversation with.

"The vagabond lifestyle suits you," Mattie says curtly. "As does almost dying in a ditch, doesn't it sis?"

Mattie was going to play it cold, Carmilla thought, well two could play at that game. "Almost as well as your role in being Mother's retriever."

"Maman didn't sent me," Mattie said nonchalantly, dusting off her spotless skirt "but she, of course, knows where you are."

Carmilla frowned and opened her mouth then thought again frowned deeper closing her mouth. Mattie eyes eventually found Carmilla's and she raised her eyebrow. Daring Carmilla to insult, to denied, to speak.

"Carm," Mattie sighed "You have to stop being self destructive."

Carmilla looked away and found the wall very interesting that moment, "Is that mother or you speaking?"

"I'm not going to lie." Mattie started out slowly, "You have been... problematic for Maman," then she took hold of Carmilla' s hand between her own "But Carm I do miss the times before...everything came crashing down."

"Carm you need help there's the-"

"Help from who," Carmilla cut her off. "A shrink? Don't make me laugh."

"Ha, the great Carmilla Karnstein to a shrink" Mattie frowned "No. I know you would find that beneath you." She continued to look through purse until she found what she needed and pulled it out.

Carmilla stared at the pamphlet that Mattie layed on her lap. Her eyes didn't even try to skim the page instead locked on the big bold words reading ' **Silas Psychiatric Hospital and Rehabilitation** '.

"You could go willingly, voluntarily" Mattie said as she stood up and crossed the room to the trash can, "Or you could go back to the ditch they found you in." She threw her cup away as if to communicate to Carmilla what she thought if she chose the latter, Mattie would be done with her.

"Carm you might be the self proclaimed dark beauty of the world's rotting core," Mattie said smirking, "but..." She quickly somber up "I don't want to see you rotting away like this." she added quietly.

Soon exhaustion hit Carmilla deeply and she closed her eyes. All the years of running, of trying to fight, of knowingly losing her inner battle felt like they had caught up with her at that moment. Maybe, she wondered, just maybe it was time to learn to let go.

"Fine." Carmilla spoke quietly with her eyes still closed "I'll go."

"Finally using that brain of yours" Mattie chuckled softly.

They were in silence after that for a little until Mattie broke the silence once more, "I'm going to the hotel, to change and I'll see you when I come back."

"Go rest for a bit," Carmilla said tiredly "It's not like I'm going anywhere." With those final words Carmilla let sleep take her. That night sleep had allowed her to have a dreamless slumber. She didn't have nightmares of mother, or of crows, she didn't even have nightmares of Ell.


	2. Some Wrecks You Can Walk Away From

Having nothing else to he began to analyze his room. It wasn't as large as his room back home but it had enough room for a bed, a dresser, and a small desk. The walls were white, the bed sheets were white, the paper in front of him was blank... and white. Ugh Bro this is _seriously_ not fun, he thought. He was quite bored, there's just not much to do. Even though the Doc told him writing about it might help. The Doc also told him not to force words on the page.

He closed the journal and looked round for something. He kept his stuff very organized, it's just how he was raised or else his momma would totally have his head.

He paused his search and sighed, he missed his family. He understands that they sent him here to get better, hell he wanted to get better too, but sometimes he was homesick. After SJ's-

 **5**

He was looking for something wasn't he? Yes his iPod he forgot that he was listening to it last night and left it under his pillow.

He went to retrieve it and sat up against the headboard on his bed, listening to music. He was content on listening to classical, he didn't use to listen to that type of music. It use to be SJ's thing, back when she was still studied med, before the parties, before the drugs, and before she-

 **4**

He took out his ear buds, and took a deep slow breath, waited a few seconds, and released it. Then he changed the song and plugged the buds right back in.

 _Bro keep it together_ _Kirsch,_ he sternly told himself, besides that's the Sarah Jane he liked remembering, the "before" one.

The "after" SJ and him had similar taste of music. That's why he decided to deleted a considerable amount of songs and choose a genre he never really listen to.

It is a few minutes later when he was lost in the music, that a song popped up.

It was not a classical.

It was some kind of techno-pop. He didn't even know he had this song, SJ most likely sneaked it in. It didn't matter that it wasn't the same song. The beat was similar enough.

* * *

 _They were on the road heading to the house party SJ wanted to go to. Kirsch was slightly frustrated, she had been going to parties non-stop since she dropped out. Kirsch could only attend so many with her because he was still in school._

 _SJ had plugged in her phone too the car and was blasting club music on his speakers. She was dancing in her seat, a little drunk, and already in the party mode._

 _Kirsch loved Sarah Jane and knew that this had been her way of coping. She hadn't wanted to dropout but the situation hadn't been preventable. But he knew this had to stop, he turned off the music._

 _"Hey!" SJ whined, "I was listening to that."_

 _"I know babe," he says, "It's just that, well, we need to talk"_

 _SJ crossed her arms and looked out the window. "There's nothing to talked about."_

 _"Come on babe." Krisch said taking his eyes off the road for a second to glance at her, "Shouldn't this partying, I don't know don't you need a rest from it?"_

 _"But Boo thought you liked a good party." SJ jeered._

 _"Babe I love to party." He chuckle a little, "But," his smile dropped "It's a Tuesdays."_

 _"Yeah so?" SJ said annoyed._

 _"SO I have class tomorrow," Kirsch looked at SJ again but just like last time she kept staring outside so he couldn't see her face. "I can't keep going out like this with you."_

 _"Well nobody asked you to." She once again annoyed but he could hear her voice breaking._

 _Kirsch frowned thought that it was probably best to pull over, and pull into a restaurant's parking lot._

 _Once the car was stopped he took off his seatbelt to turned and looked at her. He slowly took her hand in his and lightly brushing his thumb across her knuckles waiting for her to talk._

 _It took another five minutes before she turned to looked at him. She was crying, and instantly he took off her seatbelt and brought her in his lap._

 _Once her crying calm down a little, he spoke softly, "I know babe, I know it hurts." He pulled back to put they're foreheads together, "but Sarah you can't keep going on like this."_

 _SJ started wiping her eyes dry "I know," she shudder out a_ _sigh, "I know, it's just that this have been hard and I just wanted to lose myself."_

 _Kirsch knew the circumstances surrounding her dropout. Her parents where in a bad place financially, her dad had fallen sick and they couldn't pay for both college and the hospital... or even the plane ride home._

 _"You miss them, don't you?" His hands cupping he face and he used his thumbs to dry the tears. She just nods._

 _"Hey babe," Kirsch had an idea and it didn't seem like a bad one, so he couldn't keep his enthusiasm out of his voice._

 _Sarah Jane knew that tone of voice, and her lips twitched to a ghost of a smile "Yes Boo?"_

 _"Why don't you let me buy you the ticket home?" He could do it, he wouldn't say that he was loaded but his family certainly never had money issues. The closest thing he could think of that they were was lower upper class._

 _She frowned, "Kitsch I- I can't pay"_

 _"As a gift," he said smiling, but once he saw that SJ hadn't lighten up he sighed and added "You can pay me back later, if you want."_

 _Then Sarah Jane started to smile the biggest most wonderful smile he ever saw, and threw her arms around him. She started crying again but this time he one they were happy tears, it had been a long time since she had seen her family._

 _She pulled back to give him a kiss. "You are the best boyfriend." She said between kisses._

 _Then she gave him a serious look, "But don't think this gives you permission to spend money on me."_

 _He laughs "Wouldn't count on it." Last time he tried that he got lobster in his shirt._

 _After another make out session they both decided to go to his place and watch movies._

 _The last he saw Sarah Jane truly smile again, was when he dropped her off at the airport, because she never did after finding out that her father had died during her flight._

* * *

He didn't notice that the song was over or that there was tears running. The only that keep going in his mind was, that time he had stopped her, that time he had done it right, had said the right thing, why couldn't he have done it during the party that-

 **3**

Kirsch tried to think about something else _anything_ else. There- there was his new bro. Yes, his new bro he made here. He made fast friends with another patient, Will Luce. Will is actually pretty cool bro... most of the time. Will was more solid than his bros back home. They didn't stick around for long after Sarah Jane-

 **2**

He had to stop this train of thinking, he was almost out of numbers. He doesn't want the numbers gone, he had been doing so well lately. He was almost done with the day and he had to go to the dining room to eat dinner soon. Then he could sleep and the numbers could start over.

But... there had been a time when he didn't need the numbers. There was a time when he wasn't lock up because of his mental instability. There was a time when-

He had to stop he wanted to get better.

 _Oh,_ a little voice spoke to him, prodded him, poking him, _you mean like when you could have stopped SJ_ -

 **1**

His breath caught, the tears running. Yes, there was a time when he could have saved Sarah Jane from death.

 **0**

He ripped off his ear buds, sprang up and threw the iPod across the room.

He heard a crack telling he that it broke and it cluttered to the floor.

He grabbed the closest thing near him which was the chair. He swung it up and with all his might threw it down hard against the floor. The wooden chair stood no chance.

He heard a loud crack telling he that the chair broke and pieces flying everywhere.

A splinter of wood cut him on his cheek but the didn't fazed him. There was a shout in the hall but he turn around and stalked to the nearest wall, the wall opposite of the door. Raised his hand and punch.

He had seen the signs.

A stronger punch to the wall.

He could have talked to her.

Once more his fist hit the the wall with more strength than the last.

He raised his fist and to throw his hardest blow.

He could have stopped her.

He heard a crack telling he that his hand was broken, but that didn't stop him.

He paid no attention to the commotion behind him. The yelling of the another side of the door pounding of feet on the floor, and when the door was flung open were all lost to him.

He kept going, his mind on autopilot, he wasn't seeing the blood running down his arm. Hands came from behind him and pull him from the wall.

It was then that him notice how hard he had been crying which made him cry harder.

They had pushed him on the bed and were holding him down.

It didn't matter how many things he heard crack and break.

The needle found its way through his skin and the liquid injected in him.

No it didn't matter because, they would never ever compare to the cracking sound and broken form of Sarah Jane.

Then he passed out, stolen by the medicine.


	3. Sliding Back Is Easier

This feels _wrong,_ Lafontaine thought. They knew it was a bit like the square root of two. Irrational. But fact was that it has been two days since coming back to this place, two days being in this- this state of inactivity.

Oh of course, Laf thought as they scribble the number two down, two would fit in the box.

They tapped their pen against the notepad, they were trying to finish a sudoku. They didn't believe in using a pencil on sudoku.

The pen was more permanent, one couldn't lie with a pen, one could easily see how many mistakes were made.

One row done, no mistakes made.

No wait that wasn't exactly true, Laf corrected, there had been activity.

Yes, there had been activity but for once Lafontaine didn't want to have been a part of it.

In fact Laf would have prefer to just have walked away from that hallway and prentend they hadn't heard a thing.

They had went to find an orderly, once finding out what was happening, they hadn't want Kirsch hurting himself.

He told her that he had been doing good so far...

And so far this sudoku has been good; two rows, one box, done.

Lafontaine stared down at the notepad and absent-mindedly running their fingers though their hair as they lied on their bed.

They frown and decided that their hair was once again due for a haircut. They had cut their that short because it had been getting in the way. They need to be able to see to work-

And it worked! Nine had totally fit and look three boxes, five rows done - hell yeah, they smirked.

Lafontaine could easily figure out this sudoku, they weren't even that surprised to find Kirsch here. They could put two and two together, well it wasn't everyday that one of your classmates breaks a desk. Though that had been months ago, students still sometimes talk about.

Laf had known Kirsch before, both had gone to the same University, they weren't friends per se but Laf had tutor him at times.

Kirsch had been nice and kind guy, maybe he had sometimes joked around too much, and perhaps he said bro way more often than was needed but Laf got that he was pretty much an easy going guy...

Easy- easy well this is turning out to be. Six rows, five boxes-

Ah wait, uh need _ed._ They _needed_ to have been able to see to for work. They had forgotten that since they were in here they couldn't work.

Aw shit. They knew their assistant, who would have taken over while they were absent, wasn't as careful in the details when writing up the lab reports and-

Oh Crap. They had forgotten to tell anyone about there personal experiments. Well damn now those are ruin.

Seven rows, seven boxes.

Yeah Kirsch had been a nice guy too Laf... That was until his girlfriend's died and admittedly Laf had been too busy with their own mess of a life to seek him out.

They would love to take the hurt from Kirsch. In fact they would also be enthusiastic to take emotions, period. But they've looked into the science, it just wasn't possible... yet.

Eight rows, eight bo- what the hell, there shouldn't be two fives.

Great, Laf thought as they put down their pen and push the notepad away.

They rub their eyes, they had started to feel tired. Which they shouldn't but they did.

 _Fuck_ I want an adderall, Laf thought with a sigh, or need find something _meaningful_ to do. Truly, and somewhat disappointedly, it had been that type of thinking that got them in here in the first place- second place?

Ugh it doesn't matter they were here, once again, to fix their mess and hopefully this time it would stay fix.

Laf looked at their watch it was time to go to their session now.

Dr. Vordenberg is... an interesting man. He would always started a session with a story. Sometimes the stories were of what he got to live through, sometimes they sounded too exaggerated, but mostly they were said to make the patient comfortable enough to speak.

Laf suspected that Vordie makes them as boring as possible to make the patient want to engage just to stop him from talking. But they weren't to sure on that, for now it's a theory.

When they exchange pleasantries and "story time" with Vordenberg, he jumps straight to the point. "Have you experience any withdrawal symptoms yet?"

Well have you, Laf thinks to themselves. There was the headache and their stomach has been starting to ache, and they proceed to tell him amongst other things.

* * *

After their session, it was a group activity. Which Laf finds a bit annoying, people have a tendency to get in the way of their work.

Ah but once again their have forgotten that there's no work here. Laf fidgeted and try to bounce their leg in a rythm.

They were one of the first ones here, and so Laf could easily note the growing amount of people. The more people came through the door the faster their leg moved.

That was until they notice the new girl that walked in.

Didn't they know her found somewhere? Lafontaine swore to Newton that they _had_ met.

The girl had light brown hair, she looked tiny and young. Though Laf thought that they themselves couldn't have been that much taller or older. She looked... normal, average... prehaps college student.

Maybe that's where I know her from, Laf tried thinking back not noticing that the activity already started.

Lafontaine had beem so focused on figuring out the girl that they didn't realized that the program coordinator had already called their name four times, and only notice when the girl looked up from staring at the floor to look at Laf questioningly that Laf notice why they hadn't responded.

Lafontaine rarely _ever_ response to _that_ name anymore, and to be fair to the PC he didn't know, so Laf explained their preference in name and pronouns. It was kind of a bonus that they were also explaining it to the group and well that means less explaining in the future.

They had even used the example of his name, Samuel David Ellis, which Laf read from his name tag. That if preferred to be called by his first and people called him by his middle regardless of the fact that he didn't like it, that he would find it a bit rude and feel like he wasn't respected.

And perhaps Laf hadn't needed to go on a rant/speech like that but by the end of it, there was some claps and the obligatory "we hear you" saying.

Laf felt proud, but now their part was done. They needed something to do, they notice that their leg had been bouncing, well then let's see how many counts they could go. While Laf was busy PC Samuel had been going around the group, he gotten to the girl.

"Laura," Samuel had said but she didn't respond, if anything she started glaring at the floor.

Laf's counting was interrupted, Ah yes the girl!

Samuel sighed "Laura, I know that you-" he cut himself off, maybe realizing that what he was saying he might be personal Laf notice now that her attention was once again towards the girl.

"Look" he sighed once more "Just, just play along? Ok?"

Laura flashed a smiled "Nothing disturbs the pursuit of... progress."

* * *

How curious, Laf thought once they were back in their room. Lafontaine actually agreed with that statement but they thought there was more to it than just that.

But _yes_ a mystery! Finally something to do! Even if it was something as little as remembering.

Time to cross out possibilities, Laura so isn't from their hometown. The only one they still keep in contact with is Perry-

Perry... Ah- they still needed to deal with that... later. Yes, later is good.

Whats next, work? Nope, they knew exactly who worked with them and it's not like they deal with customers.

College? Eh, it's possible they knew them by sight, but... nah Laf felt like they had a conversation before.

Wait..No, Laf thought, it can't be, could it? Could it be possible that they knew them from- from here?

But that was almost three years ago... No way, the girl is the same Laura she met the when she first came here.

Had she been here the whole time?

Well it seem like this mystery just got a little more interesting, and Laf was totally and completely on board with it.

They smiled as they tried to figure out ways to get closer to Laura. Lafontaine is better, happier when they have something to do. And Laf had a feeling this 'to do' was going to be a bumpy ride.


End file.
